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And as a year-old woman, I have been in more than enough relationships. And in each one, I wanted more than anything to feel those feelings -- the butterflies in my stomach, the heart-dropping "I can't get enough" feelings. And I suppose, in hindsight, that it did happen to a degree but in a sense, I was always waiting for more.

When it came time to write Valentine's Day cards or birthday cards, I found myself searching for the "right" words to use or the perfect thing to say that would explain, describe and declare my love. But it never came authentically and I would end up writing what I thought I was supposed to instead of how I really felt.

The truth was, I spent a lot of time yearning for something -- an indescribable feeling that I knew existed somewhere that, despite my greatest efforts, I hadn't felt yet. Two months ago, just when I thought it wouldn't ever happen and I had finally gotten to the point of just letting go of the idea, I fell in love.

It didn't happen how I thought it would and in fact, it took me by complete surprise.

Better than Ever, Drivin N Cryin’s ‘Live the Love Beautiful’ - Shepherd Express

Every picture I had -- every detail and illustration and experience I had imagined in my mind could not have prepared me. Months ago, while having a conversation about love, my mother said to me, "Don't rush falling in love because the moment you do, everything changes right away.

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The direction of your life, your decisions and choices and the rest of your life will all change in one moment. I could not imagine that something so powerful could or would ever happen to me, let alone change the course and direction of my life in a way that I could not ever have imagined. And so, as things happen, I fell in love, and as my mother said it would, my entire life path and direction changed in what felt like a moment.

B.B King - I like to Live the Love

And it wasn't that I suddenly felt like I had all these new decisions to make. Instead, it felt like my life just changed paths and it was my job to catch up and take each next step as it presented itself. It felt like I was walking in the dark, in some ways, because it was and continues to be uncharted territory.

I have indeed experienced and continue to experience all of those things. I have felt more love expanding in my heart than I ever knew even existed and I have found myself experiencing every feeling on a level so deep that in lots of ways, it's not possible to explain it. There have been happy tears, deep conversations, intimate sharing and everything else that goes with that.


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But the one thing that has surprised me more than anything -- and the one thing I truly did not and still do not feel prepared for was the deep feeling of complete fear that as quickly as I "found" love, that I could "lose" it. I never imagined for a second that in the midst of all these amazing feelings of deep gratitude and love could be a fear so strong that at times, it brings me to my knees, feeling breathless and completely out of control, bringing to the surface all my deeper fears and insecurities and giving me yet another opportunity to allow myself to reach the biggest level of vulnerability that I have ever felt in my life.

It really never occurred to me, in all my fantasies, that love and fear could exist together, but what I am learning is that there really never is a safety net. Maybe part of me thought that once I was experiencing such an amazing and loving relationship, that all the fear of being alone or hurt would all go to the wayside. And part of being in love does feel like that. Most times when I am laying in my boyfriend's arms, the only thing I feel is love. I feel safe and held and positive and hopeful, completely secure in our dynamic and knowing and truly feeling that nothing outside of us even matters.


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  8. But other times, when I am alone and going through my own daily life, that fear creeps in and reminds me that at any moment, life can change rapidly. When I first felt this fear, I was angry. I didn't want to feel fear.